| the tiniest things. |
[May. 5th, 2008|09:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | traffic moving on main street. | ] |
i last updated 50 weeks ago. that's a lot of weeks ago.
i am going to secretly go back to journaling. i found my big binder full of my printed lj entries and was sad thinking that i have no way of documenting the past two years except through a few photographs which are mainly posed and some increasingly fading memories.
there is a reason journaling is important. nothing changes from year to year. in 50 weeks, the only major events i can think of are: i got engaged. i moved back to ottawa. i started a new job. i got a new apartment. but those things are boring. everyone does this. moves. expands. makes major changes. the little things are the important things. one of my most memorable blog entries (one i think of often) is a brief one in which i note the winter ground softening to spring. i was on my way home from jonah's apartment. i felt new. i felt amazing. this was nothing big. i say sweat the small stuff. i say cherish the moment. the big things are unimportant. actually having a baby is nothing compared to noting the time you touched his toes and cried or the time you flashed forward to being a grandma, despite your child not even crawling yet.
i recommit myself to journaling the small stuff. the sweetest stuff. the crumbs that fall from the big cupcake of life.
so what important crumb fell today?
i recommitted myself. that's what.
p.s. thanks swade. you'd never know it, but your tiny greeting on my myspace changed my perspective. thank you. |
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| new starts, per usual. |
[Apr. 30th, 2007|07:53 pm] |
well, everyone i know and i are starting weight watchers this week. i've done it twice before with good results. when i was 19 i lost 25 lbs and when i was 22 i lost 20-ish lbs. i've gained almost all the weight back both times, but over an extended time period and basically because i just decided to eat whatever i want. same old same old.
the stakes aren't any higher now or anything... i think i just need a jumpstart into overall healthiness and want to feel better about my body, etc. i've never had much of a problem working out; i think weight watchers jsut heps remind me of the power of portion control and balance in my diet. so my sister, my best friend, my mom & her best friend are all joining (most of us are RE-joining) this week. to be honest, i feel fairly good about my body - a lot more so than i did when i was 19 (even at 145 lbs), but there are lots of sumemr weddings coming and HELLO?!?!?!? swimsuits and tanktops and skirts and shorts and such are always enough to make you want to at least shed your winter fat :D
so OF COURSE i ahve an idea of where i want to be in a few months... thinner! but seriosuly, i was really thinking somewhere in the 150s would be good... i'm in the low 170s now, so there's not an INCREDIBLE feat before me. i feel pretty confident, esp with all my pals and family behind me and on the same track.
in AMAZING news, ever since i effed my knee up i haven't been able to jog (the only exercise i like), but today i went exploring at the gym to the second level, where i found this amazing elliptical machine that simulates jogging/running much better than any other eliptical i've been on (they seem to me more like low-impact stair-steppers in the sense that you feel like you're only working you legs out). and it's a super calorie burner, but somehow seems EASIER to maneuver than those bottom-heavy elipticals. ROCK! plus, i go to the orthopedic center in one week, so hopefully my knee problem will be clearly indentified and i can get on a path to recovery so i CAN run again.
FURTHERMORE!!! while i was upstairs on the jogging eliptical thingy, i saw a pilates calss taking place which seemed totaly challenging and AWESOME all while not being too intimidating. i think i'm gonna go next monday and see how i like it. YAY everything. i feel great!
<3 |
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| obsession! |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|08:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the L-room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hippy happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | trading spouses... don't laugh. | ] |
all i care about right now is learning how to grow the lovely hydrangea.
these are the definition of beauty. i hereby declare my intention to turn my thumb green.
if i am successful, there are lots of hydrangea bouquets in your near future which you will adore. promise! |
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| it's been a while, man. life's so rad? |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|05:10 pm] |
well, i started this journal praying for a job in chicago so i could get out of craptastic ottawa.
and now i'm moving back.
all i need is a little slice of my home, sweet home. |
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| whoa |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|08:05 pm] |
it's been forever since i've even posted on here. the only reason i'm doing it right now is because i'm trying to take a break from grading papers for a moment. grargh. only 8 week-ish until school is over. and thank god, too. i'm ready to just.............. i dunno. break my rusty cage and run... or something.
i need lots and lots of half days in a row. i need austin. i need rubber sole on asphalt, running. i need patios and porches and sunlight on bare shoulders. i need a tan. sigh.
i just got back from a spring break road trip with my parents and all it gave me was the thirst for more away time. i'm glad to be back in the city, but i'd like for my return not to be an implication of returning to work. other people complain about how teachers get sooooooooooooo much time off and how it isn't fair that they only get two weeks of vacation a year and only a handful of holidays off. but they also don't spend their eight hours at work yelling and trying to be patient and being watched over by a very very close and critical eye. they get to smoke and go out for lunch and dick around on the internet a lot. i have meetings on my lunches and lesson plans to write and parents to call and papers to grade. i'm not complaining - i'm just saying we deserve every break we get.
i'd better get back to work. |
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| the world just screams and falls apart. |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|10:15 am] |
i was sick.
went home from work sick on wednesday after crying to my principal because my stomach felt like it was tied in knots. slept. tried to eat. felt sick again. slept. slept. stayed home on thursday. felt v much better. went to bar - had some beers. got 6 hours of sleep and felt equally as shitty on friday at work, but stuck it out for greediness (night school = money). stayed in friday night. woke up at 2:30 am feeling the same ickiness. slept. ate. felt sick again. slept. ate. felt sick again. slept. read. slept. got ready. went out. had ok time. stayed sober. chewed tums like no other. slept. woke. which bring us to now:
feeling better. ate one egg and toast an hour ago and don't feel like barfing. this is progress. i think that sleeping for 15 hours yesterday helped a lot. and i hardly ate anything between 4 pm friday and this morning, which seems like it might have been a wise decision.
i completely attribute this sickness to having stopped biting my fingernails, but we'll save my crazy theories for another day.
decided yesterday that if at any point in my life i am not being paid attention to (romantically) by at least one member of the opposite sex i might implode. strange how that works, esp considering how little i actually want a boyfriend. i think i just want to be wanted. maybe everyone feels this way.
it's also strange how, given the opportunity of dating someone who's head-over-heels for me and sweet as pie who i have everything in common with and some jackass who acts like he hardly knows i exist, i'll always pick the latter. i thought this was normal till i looked around and sort of visually surveyed the people around me. i think there's a direct connection between sexual attractiveness and aloofness. the more attractive someone is to me, the less they could care about my existence. if i find someone semi-attractive, they are semi-interested in me. similarly, if i can't see myself ever having sex with soemone, he thinks i'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. i guess this might show that they react the exact same way that i do to being unwanted.
somehow, even though that's the most depressing thing i can think of, if it's actually TRUE, i don't even care.
imnna listen to some more neutral milk hotel now, cause the only girl i've ever loved was born with roses in her eyes, but then they buried her alive, one evening 1945 with just her sister at her side... |
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| used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that. |
[Feb. 21st, 2006|06:32 pm] |
all i can think about is intonation fest and how much i wish it was summer and lovely and bright out again. yes, i realize the sun was bright this morning that i had to wear sunglasses, but when all the sun has to reflect is white salt marks and brown, bare-boned trees, it doesn't have quite the same effect.
colleen officially convinced me that march = spring, even though we all know it's not really till the very very end, but she was relentless and now all i can do is sit and hope and steal glances out the window at the ground, wondering if it's the least bit soft yet.
the greatest weekends of last year had nothing to do with snow or cold or christmas or new year's and i think this year things will follow suit. last year we danced and swooned and made pretty while friendships sprung from tall, plastic cups of 312. we waited in ridiculous lines at portable toilets but didn't care cause we were together and the sunshine, filtered by green flourishes made everything beautiful.
last year, we walked hundreds of miles from stage to stage to train to bar to bar to stage to train and linked arms in the sweet summer darkness, palm against sweaty palm. we sat outside for hours under patios, drinking margaritas and chain-smoking, stood on roof-tops with birds-eye views and despite the heat, cuddled up into king-size beds for slumber parties.
and while there's something quite nice about bundling up in layer upon layer of cotton and overwearing your favourite hoodies, i'm ready to show my fragile, pasty skin in fraying tanktops and home-fashioned skirts. summer here, kids!
(orig posted on myspace) |
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[Feb. 18th, 2006|12:48 am] |
it's strange how you can feel one thing one mintue and know that it's good and sane and right, and the next, you feel the exact opposite with just as much conviction.
it's freezing cold in chicago. the kind of cold that is driven by wind and force and hate, ex-boyfriends and burned bridges and regret. the kind of cold that bites your skin as it whips with remarkable speed through thick, callous cotton, fuzzy fur lining and worn sweatshirt. no amount of hot chocolate, red wine, coffee, or comfort food can cure the intolerable need in your appendages for warmth, a pin-point specific warmth for which there is no known anecdote.
you can't discover the remedy until you understand the sickness.
(get up, come on, get down with the sickness)
let's fall in love.
if only lingering song lyrics, corroded by mis.dis.use were the cure-all. sounding only at night while you sleep. in my dreams you're alive and you're crying. is everything soft and sweet with you? could you love her the same if you hadn't read her diary, if she were just a passing head of hair on the busy downtown street on her way to the train, clutching purse against smooth side, head down and determined, would you still want her face on your cheek?
these are things of love and hate. |
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[Jan. 29th, 2006|10:21 pm] |
goals for the week:
.jog tomorrow morning, 3 miles
.jog tues pm, thurs pm and friday am
.take down christmas tree
.make bedroom more liveable by cleaning, organizing and rearranging
.go on date with wonderboy and look radiant
it's gonna be a good week. |
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[Jan. 27th, 2006|09:26 pm] |
no less than two guys who i have rejected in the past are now sporting brand-new girlfriends and i am fucking pissed.
oh, and now i suddenly like them again.
stupid. |
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[Jan. 26th, 2006|10:40 pm] |
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the only cd that matters to me right now.
♥ |
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| chores |
[Jan. 26th, 2006|10:24 pm] |
you spoke to me, yeah-eah.
i decided to stay indoors tonight, mainly to do take care of my LEAST favourite chores (laundry), which conveniently afforded me time to do one of my VERY favourite things: organising cds. i hadn't re-alphebetized them since throwing them all in a box for moving, and gave a hearty shudder each time i passed the tower of disorder. the best part of this task is the cleansing portion. you see, my shelf only holds about 250 cds, so every time i buy a new one, i purge the shelf of one disc that i need not have easy access to anymore and put it with the rest of the discarded cases in the closet. today, for instance, i got rid of the zincs (local artist whose album i bought while drunk), hot hot heat (their debut album which features a different lead singer), and the cure: wish (not a favourite and rarely played) and replaced them with arcade fire, metric, and franz ferdinand. lovely. the purose of this eradication is so that eventually, my cd shelf will be perfect, with every disc in it perfect. there is much to eliminate before this miracle occurs, but each step creates a grand feeling inside. that's probably the ONLY thing i'm anal about. hooray.
the bad part is that it always leaves me thirsty for new music - i am sick of seeing those old cases :( |
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| hope-a-scopes |
[Jan. 25th, 2006|10:09 am] |
from my horoscope today (only convenient to read when i'm avoiding busy school work):
"Here's the deal. The way the heavens are arranged at the moment can mean only one of two things for you: an existing relationship will become far more intimate or a new relationship will take off like a speeding bullet, aimed directly at both your hearts -- and libidos. Either way, you'll have to excuse the rest of the world if we're not sympathetic about you having to reschedule that shopping trip. Gosh. Tough to be you, huh?"
my goodness. the heavens are aligned in such a way that something good will happen? happy joy. |
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| jellyfish |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|12:21 pm] |
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there are giant jellyfish bigger than man, its tentacles menacing despite their soft, alluring maternal appearance. for some reason i find comfort in these things unknown. if there are 600-pound jellyfish in the seas, there are bound to be wonderous things yet to come to me. |
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[Jan. 23rd, 2006|08:50 am] |
definately overextended myself this weekend.
friday night we had a makeup day for evening school, which kept me at work till 8, after which i went out for a drink and dinner with my coworker & saturday i had a 6-hour conference downtown, went jogging in the snow (hooray!), showered and got pretty, then ate dinner and left home at 7 for a night of fun that lasted till nearly 6 am! yesterday i was obviously worthless and aside from making breakfast for roommate and his visiting friends, did nothing but chat online, nap and watch television. i certainly had no trouble falling asleep last night!
unfortunately, this week doesn't look much better. evening school on mon and wed per usual, a conference on tues evening AND friday morning, semester grades due on thursday, and lots of jogging training inbetween. by friday, i'll be jogging 2.5 miles without stopping. no more jog/walk for me. this is both exciting and overwhelming. i can't say enough about how well the "couch to 5k" training program has worked for building my endurance thus far. i'd reccommend it to anyone interested in beginning to jog. anywho. the point is that i feel tired and a week chockfull of responsibilities is not looking so good.
i think i might leave for the weekend & go to my parents' or susan's just so i won't have to be in chicago. lately there has been almost too much opportunity for having fun. at least in ottawa there's some boredom to be had. i need boredom. i need couch-lying and old-movie-watching and such.
furthmore, i think i am experiencing the first signs of growing up to a v small extent. for the past 2.5 years since graduation i have not much felt the need for staying in on weekends (or weeknights, for that matter) and so i have not much minded being without a serious boyfriend. by no means do i mean i'm desperate for a boyfriend, but i think often about how nice it would be to have someone to cuddle in with on the weekend nights where neither lonliness nor hitting the town seem like v good options.
sigh. i hope dreamy mcdream date wants to hang out again this week :-/ |
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[Jan. 19th, 2006|08:27 am] |
Does anyone get any work at all done during their first hour? I like to sit at my desk, check e-mail and blogs, open my coffee thermos and inhale deeply, just to wake up a bit before really getting anything done, even before attempting to get anything done. i wish i was the type of person who woke up long before i had to leave for work. if i could have it my way, i would jog shower, breakfast, do dishes, watch television and smoke several cigarerettes before jumping in the car to work. with all that, i'd be waking at 4:30 am and going to sleep at 9 every night! yesterday when i was looking at the 5k to 10k jogging schedule, i realized i might have to wake up before 6 am a couple days a week in order to properly train.
i look too far ahead. i look at the 10k training and immediately think "i can't do that." who taught me not to believe i could do anything? last night i watched "million dollar baby" and was completely awe-inspired by hillary swank's character. she was so determined, even when her trainer told her she was too old, too weak, too inexperienced. our bodies are so powerful and resilient and i see so many people (myself included) doing nothing to challenge their (my) physical bodies. i'm not on some rampage to get everyone in shape. i'm sure there will be plenty of times in my life where i'm not challenging my body, either. but right now, i want to be.
UH! |
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[Jan. 18th, 2006|09:36 am] |
antipo's posts make me want to visit France, a silly idea as i know absolutely no French at all. last night, after calculating that i'm making close to $10,000 extra this year with night school and summer school, i decided that i am a fool for not saving all (or most) of it for travel. here are my immediate plans for this year:
1. SAN DIEGO. my dear friend adam will be staying is sunny and lovely san diego for a month while he works on the scene of an opera in april. it just-so-happens that my spring holiday occurs in april, so it's off to san diego. i am expecially excited about adam being gone most of the days working so i can explore without consideration of what anyone else wants to do! it may sound selfish, but it basically means that every morning i can jog along the beach and then read, swim, sunbathe and take photos all day long. on rainy days i can see the sights that i most want to see (the beautiful gardens) and the nights will be reserved for adventures like driving to tiajuana.
2. DAYTONA BEACH. again, adam had his own apartment in florida during the summer months and while all daytona beach reminds me of is drunken college spring-breakers, again, i'd rather be on the ocean than in chicago any day!
3. UNDECIDED. i really want to leave the country this summer. hopefully i will have a financially able boyfriend or willing friend to assist me in this adventure. i'm thinking of a few places and will research thoroughly, but right now it's between Germany (not sure where specifially in the country - somewhere close to where my ancestors are from), London and Paris. No, they aren't on the beach, but who cares?!?!? i am giddy with excitement just thinking about it.
fin! |
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| new (& exciting) news |
[Jan. 12th, 2006|08:51 pm] |
i think i'm going to san diego for spring break!
i now love everyone. |
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[Jan. 12th, 2006|01:13 pm] |
super-date-boy andy has sent me a couple messages since our last (first) date and it seems as though he wants to go out again! i fear that this weekend will be filled with karaoke goodness, the chin up chin up show, and shopping (more appropriately called returning christmas gifts), so i might not get the chance to see lovely boyface until next week. cest la vie. lovely boyface, heh - i'm sure seeing me write that phrase alone would send him running for the hills.
i really feel like going out tonight. it's strange that i resolved to sort of back out of week night outings. now that i teach night school twice a week, getting home at four seems soooooooo horrible when it just means sitting around the apartment watching aaron watch tv. i think i would kill myself if i watched as much tv as he does - not cause i have anything against it or him - just that i find telelvsion incredibly dull and painstakingly boring after a couple hours.
since christmas, it has been oddly warm in chicago. i've been able to jog outdoors comfortably for two weeks! today, i walked outside to go for lunch and didn't even zip my coat - it's nearly sixty degrees out! i truly hope it never gets below freezing during the day for the rest of the winter and i wouldn't mind it one bit if i didn't see another snowflake until next year. i think i might take the train downtown after my jog and do some of my gift returning tonight if no one is up for anything else, but hopefully i'll get lucky and find some other city-dwellers with socializing on their agenda! hooray! |
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[Jan. 11th, 2006|08:24 am] |
best date ever.
andy picked me up on time in a clean vehicle and took me to Maiz, a contemporary tapas-style mexican restaurant right across the street from the california clipper. he suggested i try the beverage called "bull," a mix of rum, beer and lime. he ordered appetizers in perfect spanish (guacamole and an chicken enchilada with mole) and also took care of ordering a couple entrees to try (an earthy chicken dish and a zucchini sopa). conversation rolled along with ease throughout the hour-long dinner. he was well-mannered (opened doors, assisted me with putting my coat on, etc) and cute!
after dinner we went to a bar (i can't recall the name - located near division and western) with a great jukebox. he ordered us drinks (me: gin&tonic, him:vodka tonic) and gave me money to play songs with. we played two games of pool and afterwards enjoyed more interesting conversation. he got me home (safely) & walked me to the door, where we engaged in a nice, appropriate first date kiss.
excellent. and probably the ONLY satisfying date i've ever been on, ever (with the exception of todd, who was also gentlemanly and intelligent). hooray boys! |
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